


when we come to rest

by stonestars



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Again, BIG ONES, Conversations, Episode 49 Spoilers, Gen, they needed to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 07:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonestars/pseuds/stonestars
Summary: Nott and Caleb have a conversation about names, who they were, and who they are.





	when we come to rest

**Author's Note:**

> Will Sam and Liam ever stop giving me feelings? I think not(t).  
> BIG episode 49 spoilers y'all. Name reveal and backstory and all.

The night after Caleb and Nott share their old names with the Mighty Nein, they share a room.

 

They always do, so of course nothing would change. It’s a little different though, with both of them turning their new knowledge and questions over in their heads as they get ready to go to sleep. Neither of them say much. 

 

Nott is thinking about what Caleb told her and Beau about his past, about his parents, about the new things she’d learned today. She was smart-- she knew he’d glossed over the part about his parents on purpose. She was pretty sure he didn’t want the others to know that, and she respected that. 

 

She’s thinking about how she  _ knows _ he didn’t want the others to know, but that he’d told them. Because she’d said she needed him, because she’d  _ asked _ him to. He’d told them more than he ever intended. 

 

She’s thinking about the time she used his old name--  _ Bren _ \-- and how she’d thought his reaction was odd but never asked, how  _ many _ times he had heard the name that was probably a punch in the gut to him that day. She’s thinking about how he never told her, how he must’ve wanted to ask where she got that name, if she would’ve told him if he’d asked, back then.

 

She’s thinking about Luke, about those big blue eyes staring up at her from behind Edith. She’s thinking about how when she first met Caleb, his eyes reminded her of Luke’s-- those blue eyes, full of so much brightness. She’s thinking about how somewhere along the way that had changed, because when she saw Luke looking up at her something in the back of her mind had whispered about how much those eyes reminded her of Caleb.

 

Caleb is thinking about Nott’s homecoming, as well. About the boy who had stepped out of the shadows, wide eyed and a little bit afraid. Luke, his name was. Luke, who thought his mother dead, seeing her come home. Who thought his father dead now, too. Who would get them both back if the Mighty Nein had anything to say about it-- if  _ he _ had anything to say about it.

 

He’s thinking about how he really  _ does _ care about them. He’s not sure when it happened--  _ how _ it happened. But he knows that when he admitted it and Nott’s face lit up, the way she’d asked “ _ you do? _ ” because the last time they’d talked about it he hadn’t been able to say it. 

 

He’s thinking also about what he had to share, what the others had learned about him. About his past. About his time at the Academy. He’d left out… parts. But he hadn’t even told Nott and Beau his old name when he told them about his parents. It felt weird, for the group of them to now know who he used to be. 

 

He’s thinking about how Nott  _ remembered _ the fact that he’d reacted when she used his old name, about how she’d asked about his new one and he was not the only one who is going by a different name, now. Nott has an old name, too, a past. She was a  _ mother _ .

 

She was a mother whose son thought her dead, whose son watched her come back home. She was a mother who was fighting with everything she had  _ to _ get back to him. 

 

When Caleb gets into bed, Nott tiredly goes to curl up by his leg. It’s where she’s always slept, whenever there’s enough room. 

 

Caleb stops her as she starts to settle down, though.

 

“Nott,” he says her name softly, out of habit, patting the spot next to him. “Come up here with me.”

 

Nott blinks a few times at him, confused. But she listens, crawling up the bed so that her head rests on the pillow next to his. “Yes, Caleb?” she asks. There’s a moment’s hesitation before she says his name, as if she’s trying to figure out which to use.

 

Caleb looks down. “I did not know,” he says, not making eye contact. “About your past. I am… sorry, Nott- Veth. Your name is Veth.”

 

Nott takes a deep breath. “It was,” she says. “It  _ was _ . Your name was Bren.”

 

Caleb nods. “ _ Ja. _ Yes. It-- it was.”

 

She watches his eyes, the way the moonlight coming in through the window is making them shine. “I-- I didn’t know that, you know. I used that name because it was part of Yez-- my… my last name. Back then.”

 

“I know that now,” Caleb says, still not looking at her. “I did not know that then. You gave me quite a scare.”

 

Nott smiles slightly despite herself. “I could imagine.”

 

Caleb is quiet for a long moment, considering what to say. Finally, he looks up at Nott. “How do you… you told the others to call you Nott, for now.”

 

Nott nods.

 

“How do you-- how did you choose? We know both, now. If you… If… it seems like your old name is… you like it more.”

 

Nott sighs and looks away. “I… can’t go by that name. Not right now. Maybe when I’m-- when I’m able to go home. But not yet.”

 

Caleb is the one watching  _ her _ now. “What do you mean, you can not?”

 

“I--” Nott fidgets a bit, hands clasping together. She doesn’t look down at them, but doesn’t look at Caleb either, keeping her eyes fixed on his chest. “Veth Brenatto was a halfling woman who-- who grew up and fell in love and--” her lips twitch into a smile at the memory “--had a son. Veth Brenatto was a halfling woman who was… kidnapped by goblins and-- and sacrificed herself for her family. Veth… Veth drowned, Caleb.  _ I _ … drowned.” She sighs, a shaky sigh. “But I--  _ I _ came back. As a goblin. I… can’t use that name because I’m  _ not _ her, I’m… I’m a  _ goblin.” _ She laughs softly. “I’m what killed her. I…” 

 

Her teeth dig into her bottom lip. She hasn’t missed having her wedding ring to turn around her fingers in a while, but she does now. “Luke wouldn’t recognize me like this.  _ Yeza _ wouldn’t recognize me like this. So I’m-- I’m not Veth, not now. I can’t use that name. I won’t. Because I’m not Veth, I’m-- I’m  _ Nott _ .” 

 

Silence hangs in the air for a while before Caleb speaks. “You… you speak as if you like who you were as her and… hate who you are now.”

 

Nott takes a deep breath. “I-- I wish I was a halfling again,” she says. “Or at least not a goblin. I wish I  _ could _ go home, see Yeza and Luke and be… be with them, but…”

 

She’s quiet for so long that Caleb puts a hand on top of hers where they are clasped together. “But?”

 

“I didn’t have… friends. As Veth. I-- I had Yeza. And I had Luke. And that was-- that was it. Everyone else thought I was strange, lots of people didn’t understand what Yeza saw in me, you know?”

 

“You are not strange. Or… maybe a little strange, but not in a bad way.”

 

Nott smiles ever so slightly. “Thank you, Caleb,” she says. She moves her hands so that they’re clasped around his. “It’s like…”   

 

For the first time since he asked her about her name, she looks up and meets his eyes. “Nott the Brave is a member of the Mighty Nein,” she says, her eyebrows furrowing as her smile turns sad. “Veth Brenatto wasn’t. And that-- that means… something. I'm not sure what, I-- I have more… more people care about me now than they did then.  _ I _ care about more people now. I have everyone-- Jester and Mr. Clay and Beau and even Fjord and Yasha and-- and  _ you _ , Caleb. I have you.” 

 

Caleb’s face twists into a pained expression. His hand squeezes hers. “But your name-- Nott. The reasons you chose it… are they not painful? It is you… minimizing yourself. Your way of pointing out everything you are… not.”

 

She wets her lips. “Maybe,” she says. “It was. It  _ was _ . I chose it because of what they made me, because it was… it was everything I thought about myself come true. But I-- I like who I am, now. I like the person who everyone-- everyone calls ‘Nott.’ I don’t like that she’s-- I’m-- a goblin, but I…” she sighs. “You know, it’s… Jester calls me Nott. Mr. Clay calls me Nott. Beau and Fjord and Yasha do.” She smiles again, sadly, as she continues. “Molly did.  _ You _ do. And maybe I don’t hate that so much, you know? Because the people who call me ‘Nott’ are…  _ good _ .”

 

Caleb lets out a soft breath. “ _ Ja.  _ Maybe I… I do understand that part.” He hesitates. “But… your son. Your husband. They do not know you as-- as Nott.”

 

“They wouldn’t know this--” she gestures to herself with one hand, the other not leaving Caleb’s “--as me. They would be afraid and… they would probably hate this me.” She sighs, breath shaking. “It isn’t easy, that part. But I-- I know I’m not exactly the person my… husband and son knew. Not anymore. I’m… I’m  _ really  _ different, Caleb. Some things stayed the same… I’ve always collected things. I’ve always been quick, good at running away. But I-- I didn't drink so much, back then. I didn’t have… magic, I didn’t have  _ friends _ . I wasn’t a… I wasn’t  _ this _ .” 

 

Caleb squeezes her hand. “You do not know that they would-- they would hate you. They could… they could understand.”

 

Nott sighs. “I hope so.”

 

Caleb hesitates. “Nott, you… Beauregard pointed it out but you… we spent so long at sea.”

 

“Yeah that-- that sucked,” Nott says. The hand not holding Caleb’s grabs her other arm and squeezes it, fingers digging into her skin. “I… wasn’t ready to say anything. But it was… it was… I don’t like the water.”

 

Caleb’s hand tightens around hers. “When we were in… Nicodranas,” he says softly. “You… I am… the spell I cast, Nott, I am so sorry for--”

 

“Caleb.” He freezes as Nott cuts him off. “You already asked me if I was mad about it.”

 

“ _ Ja _ , but I did not know--”

 

“ _ I  _ did. I needed to be pushed. I wouldn’t have-- I needed to stay with everyone and you made that happen. And you apologized. And didn’t do it again when I said not to.” She squeezes his hand. “It’s alright, Caleb, really.”

 

“But you-- you  _ drowned _ .” Caleb’s voice breaks. “You drowned and I did not know and I made you…”

 

Nott reaches over and tucks some of Caleb’s hair behind his ear. “What did I tell you about forgiving yourself, Caleb. Some day, you’ll have to learn how to. This is something that-- I already forgave you for it. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

 

Caleb’s eyebrows furrow and he turns his head away. 

 

She sighs softly but doesn’t press further. Instead, she squeezes his hand again and looks up at the moon through the window. “Why did you want to know how I chose which name to tell the others to call me?” she asks.

 

Caleb inhales sharply. “I… well, you know. We talked about it. I had a different name, too.” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I wasn’t sure… Fjord me what name I preferred and I did not know how to answer. I said Caleb but I… was wondering if asking you about it would help me see if that was… right.”

 

Nott watches him carefully. “Did it?”

 

Caleb smiles faintly. “I think so. I… Caleb is the name I gave you, Nott. It is… like how Nott is the name that we call you. Caleb is the name that you call me. I-- I like… the other name has…”

 

“Bad memories?” Nott supplies.

 

Caleb nods. “There are good ones, too, but I-- I do not know. I think I like… I do not like… Hm.” He huffs a little as he tries to find a way to phrase what he’s trying to say. “I do not know if I…  _ like _ the person that I am. I have done… terrible things, Nott. But I-- I think I might like… I was a more terrible person when I had the other name, you know?”

 

“You like yourself better now,” Nott says gently, and Caleb tenses.

 

“Maybe.  _ Ja. _ Maybe. You all make me… better.”

 

Nott smiles. “You said you like us.” 

 

Caleb sighs. “Ohh, you are never going to let that one go, are you.”

 

Nott shakes her head. “You finally admitted it. To them.”

 

“Yes I… I did.”

 

Nott smiles. She meets Caleb’s eyes and holds his gaze. “Caleb.”

 

He frowns. “Hm? What-- what is it.”

 

“Nothing,” she says, squeezing his hand. “Just… You’re Caleb and-- and I’m Nott. Of the Mighty Nein.”

 

Caleb sighs. “Ah. I… yes.”

 

Nott tips her head. “Do you want to go by your old name? By Bren?”

 

“I…” Caleb’s face twitches. “I could not, even if I… I do not know whether I want to or not, Nott. I cannot use it either way, though. Ik-- The man in Rexxentrum is… he knows that name.”

 

Nott nods. “So Caleb it is, then. Whenever anyone can hear us.” She watches him carefully. “What about now, though? When we’re alone. When no one is listening.”

 

“There could always be people listening, Nott.”

 

“Then what about when we’re in your bubble and no one can hear, not even with magic?”

 

Caleb sighs. “I… you have always called me Caleb. It is what I told you.”

 

“And?”

 

“Let’s go with that name,” he says. 

 

“Are you sure?” Nott asks.

  
Caleb nods. 

 

“Okay. We’ll go with Caleb,” Nott says. She squeezes his hand. “If that-- if that ever changes, tell me. I’ll call you whatever you tell me to call you.”

 

Caleb rubs his face with one hand. “ _ Ja _ . Okay. Thank you.”

 

Nott smiles. “We should sleep, now.”

 

He nods. “Yes, we should.”

 

“I--” Nott looks down. “I remembered a song, today.”

 

Caleb looks at her inquisitively. 

 

“I… I used to sing it to-- to Luke. When he wouldn’t sleep. I… you’ve shown me Zemnian songs before-- sung them for me. I’d… sing this one for you, if you’d like. As a-- a trade, you know?”

 

Caleb laughs softly. He smiles. “I would… I would like that very much, Nott.”

 

Nott smiles too. “Okay,” she says. She clears her throat. “I’m a-- a little rusty, and my voice isn’t that good, but… are you ready, Caleb?”

 

Caleb nods as Nott begins to sing a shaky lullaby. As he listens, he closes his eyes and thinks about their conversation and everything that has happened.

 

Eventually, Nott’s voice dies off as she drifts off to sleep, Caleb not too far behind her.

  
  



End file.
